Two New Elements Discovered

NEWS FLASH -- NEW ELEMENT DISCOVERED. Yes they found a new element called WOMAN.   Its chemical symbol is WO2.  It was discovered by Adam, and it has an atomic mass of 118, but it is known to vary from 85 to 400.  Here are the properties:

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:

1. Surface usually covered with paint film.
2. Boils at nothing.
3. Freezes without reason.
4. Melts if given special treatment.
5. Found in various states from virgin metal to common ore.

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Has great affinity for Gold, Silver, Platinum, and precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expansive substances.
3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no known reason.
4. Insoluble in liquids but activity increases with saturation of alcohol.
5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man.

COMMON USES:
1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
2. Can be great aid to relaxation.

TEST:
1. Pure specimen turns pink when discovered in the natural state.
2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.

HAZARD:
1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
2. Illegal to possess more than one, although desirable.

MAN - A CHEMICAL ANALYSIS

ELEMENT: Man
SYMBOL: Ah (short for A**hole)
QUANTITATIVE: Accepted at 7 inches, wavy brown hair, 6'0" in length, though some isotopes can be as short as 4 inches.
DISCOVERER: Eve

OCCURRENCE: Found following duel element WO2, often in high concentration near perfect WO2 specimen.

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Obnoxious when mixed with C*H*-OH (any alcohol).
2. Tends to fall into very low energy state directly after reaction with WO2 (Snore...zzzzzz).
3. Gains considerable mass as specimen, ages, loses reactive nature.
4. Rarely found in pure form after 14th year.
5. Often damaged as a direct result of unlucky reaction with polluted form of the WO2 common ore.

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:
1. All forms desire reaction with WO2, even when no further reaction is possible.
2. May react with several WO2 isotopes in short period under extremely favorable conditions.
3. Usually willing to react with what ever is available.
4. Reaction Rates range from aborted/non-existent to Pre-interaction effects. (which tend to turn the specimen bright red)
5. Reaction styles vary from extremely slow, calm and wet to violent/bloody.

STORAGE: Best results apparently near 18 years for high reaction rate, 25-35 years for favorable reaction style.

USES: Heavy boxes, top shelves, long walks late at night, free dinners for WO2.

TESTS: Pure specimen will rarely reveal purity, while reacted specimens broadcast information on many wavelengths.

CAUTION: Tends to react extremely violently when other Man interferes with reaction to a particular WO2 specimen.  Otherwise very malleable under correct conditions.

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